Land O'Loon: Headlines of the Week 12/15/08

Nude Virgin Mary prompts Playboy apology

Shop refuses to make Hitler a birthday cake

Man sprays 'toilet-papering' teens with fox urine

Man dies after retirement party hijinks

Fast-food worker laughs, tells robber to get a job

Monty Python Quote of the ______

Announcer's Voice That was episode two of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots', adapted for radio by Bernard Hollowood and Brian London. And now, Radio Four will explode. (the radio explodes)
First Pepperpot We'll have to watch the telly then.
Second Pepperpot Yes
The pepperpots swivel round to look at the TV set in the corner of the room.
First Pepperpot What's that on the tellevision then?
Second Pepperpot Looks like a penguin.
On the TV set there is indeed a penguin. It sits contendedly looking at them in a stuffed sort of way. There is nothing on the screen.
First Pepperpot No, no, no, I didn't mean what's on the television set, I meant what programme.
Second Pepperpot Oh.
The second pepperpot goes to the TV, switches it on and returns to her chair. The set takes a long time to warm up and produce a picture. During this pause the following conversation takes place:
Second Pepperpot It's funny that penguin being there innit? What's it doing there?
First Pepperpot Standing.
Second Pepperpot I can see that!
First Pepperpot If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the television set.
Second Pepperpot We'll have to watch that. Unless it's a male.
First Pepperpot Ooh, I never thought of that.
Second Pepperpot Yes, looks fairly butch.
First Pepperpot Per'aps it's from next door.
Second Pepperpot Penguins don't come from next door, they come from the Antarctic.
First Pepperpot Burma.
Second Pepperpot Why’d ya say Burma?
First Pepperpot I panicked.
Second Pepperpot Oh. Perhaps it's from the zoo.
First Pepperpot Which zoo?
Second Pepperpot How should I know which zoo? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernowski.
First Pepperpot How does Doctor Bernowski know which zoo it came from?
Second Pepperpot He knows everything.
First Pepperpot Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life. Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it would have 'property of the zoo' stamped on it.
Second Pepperpot No it wouldn't. They don't stamp animals 'property of the zoo'. You can't stamp a huge lion.
First Pepperpot They stamp them when they're small.
Second Pepperpot What happens when they moult?
First Pepperpot Lions don't moult.
Second Pepperpot No, but penguins do. There, I've run rings around you logically.
First Pepperpot Oh, intercourse the penguin.
On the TV screen there now appears an announcer.
TV Announcer It's just gone 8 o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
The penguin on top of the set now explodes.
First Pepperpot How did he know that was going to happen?!
TV Announcer It was an inspired guess.

Land O'Loon

Friday, December 19, 2008

Headlines of the Week 12/15/08

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